Yes I am /was a hands on mother. I took on the role of "mother" as a serious occupation that took up my time, my body, my thoughts and really all of me. And I held this role close to my heart and loved every little bit of it.
It gave me purpose, it gave me value, it gave me love, it gave me acknowledgment, it gave me life. It helped to make me who I am today.
"The conviction that life has a purpose is rooted in every fibre of man, it is a property of the human substance." - Primo Levi
Every minute of every year was working towards the goal that love and nourishment would allow my kids to fly free and do what brought them happiness in their lives. For them to be strong and independent, loving, caring and kind but most of all to be free to be themselves.
You see, both my adult children have left home this year!
I felt lost. I felt stuck.
I was at a crossroads and feeling very uncomfortable with so many questions.
Who am I?
What do I want to do?
What is my purpose now?
I realised my purpose was so wrapped up with caring for others. Almost at times feasting off their achievements.
My automatic response was to hibernate, to stay close to home till this lost feeling had gone. Where was it going to go?
You see my brain loves a challenge. It doesn't like uncertainty, it doesn't like feeling alone and lonely, but instead was much happier to obsess endlessly over everything, or nothing.
Fear of uncertainty reared its head!
However what Ive come to understand is that the feeling of being alone or uncertain is just a thought that makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, with no connection or feeling of belonging.
Any change can have this impact. It affects all of us. Its okay.
I have come to see that the more I surrender the easier this "alone" feeling becomes. Giving myself gentle encouragement that this is where I am now. I am safe, and I do have heaps of friends and support and really not alone and that this feeling will change when I am ready for the next step. And that is okay.
As I embrace this uncertainty, I not only feel more able to see clearer but I can start to thrive. Thrive in different ways. Ways I hadn't thought about before. A whole new world opens up before my eyes, one I never really thought was possible but on some level always wanted!
Its liberating to take back control, to make choices for me, even if Im not certain what is ahead.
I have read many times that its not what you do once that makes a difference but what you do everyday and funny enough what I missed most was the routine. The expecting to see someone at the end of the day, somehow closes the day allowing a new sun to rise in the morning.
And just like in motherhood I have found peace and connection, value and fulfilment, love and appreciation in daily journalling, meditation and trying new things.
This opens up the possibilities of whats ahead. I don't have all the answers right now but theres many possibilities ahead.
I will continue to find my value and worth in myself as each day comes forward.
Can you relate?
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